31 Silly Thoughts I’ve Had Before Seeing My Psychiatrist

At the time of writing, it’s around 16 hours until I meet my new psychiatrist, or “sleep specialist” as I’ve refereed to him of late. After months of torturous nightmares, I’m finally off to see a doctor who may be able to unpick my inner workings and magically make the horrific nightmares about death, rape and terrorism go away.

Whilst I’m normally fine with labels around mental health, I don’t feel like someone who needs psychiatric help (I’ve been there, I know what constitutes as needing it) but then I have to remind myself that it’s less about a doctor’s job title and more about banishing the one thing which is blighting my pretty decent life.

Anyway, besides the fact that I’ve been stressing over my doctor’s job title, I’ve had rather a lot of thoughts about tomorrow’s meeting and I wanted to share them. Why? To help normalise mental health but also to make you lot laugh because I realise just how silly most of these thoughts really are…

  1. “What do I wear? I want him to think I’m professional but not so put together that I don’t look like I need his help”
  2. “What if he’s hot and I fancy him?”
  3. “Do I want him to fancy me?”
  4. “Wait, there’s no such thing as looking like someone struggling with their mental health. Shut up, Hollie”
  5. “Will he think I’m an idiot?”
  6. “Will he have a pen and paper and be writing down everything as I spurt out my childhood history and the time I got lost in Asda and cried?”
  7. “That Asda memory is sad… Pass me a tissue”
  8. “What if I cry?”
  9. “Note to self: wear waterproof mascara tomorrow”
  10. “What if it doesn’t help?”
  11. “What if it does and everything changes for the better?”
  12. “Most likely somewhere in the middle”
  13. “What if he judges me?”
  14. “Isn’t it against doctors’ oath to judge?”
  15. “This is all soooo tiring… literally”
  16. “What if I fall into a black hole before my appointment arrives and I spend eternity having nightmares?!”
  17. “Surely it’s going to be OK”
  18. “Can use it as an excuse to treat myself to a new lipstick… ‘Well done, you survived seeing your new psychiatrist'”
  19. “I should blog this experience”
  20. “Or should I?”
  21. “What if he smells?”
  22. “What if he thinks I smell?”
  23. “Wear perfume to appointment”
  24. “I’m not ready for the floodgates to open… Maybe I can make this more about the nightmares and less about my anxiety.”
  25. “What if my nightmares have nothing to do with my anxiety and everything to do with cheese or garlic or some other food stuff I won’t be allowed to eat ever again?”
  26. “I bet he asks me if I eat cheese before bed. I don’t. HA!”
  27. “Seriously, should I do skinny jeans or smart dress?”
  28. “What MAC lipstick says ‘Professional 20something struggling with anxiety but also doing well but O.M.G the nightmares’?”
  29. “This is all so scary”
  30. “I want a hug”
  31. “It’s all going to be OK”

So many people in the world get zero help with their mental health issues so as much as I’m scared and nervous and my mind is going into overdrive, I’m so thankful that I’m in a place in the world which allows me to seek mental health treatment so openly and for free.

If anyone else has had any of the silly, frivolous thoughts I have then do let me know- and I’ll report back on what I ended up wearing!