27 Things I Can’t Do Despite 27 Years On This Actual Planet

When I was 24 and in the weeks just before, I panicked hard. Looking back, I was having a rather self-indulgent quarter life crisis. By the time my mother was 24, she was married and about to give birth to her first and only child. I was just finishing up University at 24, living with my boyfriend and covering my eyes when watching One Born Every Minute. Despite my life being pretty decent at 24, I still panicked I wasn’t doing good enough for my age.

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Over time, I’ve grown out of the comparison thing (not entirely, of course) and I recently celebrated turning 27 by being proud of everything I’ve accomplished including managing to keep a relationship on the go for nine years and knowing every single word to Gangnam Style. I’ve done a lot in my life so far but I recently begun thinking about all the stuff I presumed I’d be able to do but haven’t quite mastered.

If this post helps you feel like you’ve got your shit together more than I have then my work here is done.

  1. I can’t balance a cheque. And you know what? I have no fucking idea what it means.
  2. I can’t keep a plant alive. I’ve currently got a magical crystal in my pot plant on my desk in the hope the astronomy Gods will resurrect it or something.
  3. Speaking of Gods, I can’t make my mind up about my religion and go between not caring to wanting to find a great church to wondering if there’s a reason the Hare Krishna’s are so happy and what their secret is.
  4. I can’t blow my nose. OK, I can but I hate it more than anything else on the planet. It feels horrible.
  5. Don’t get me started on fake tanning without getting orange hands and dry patches.
  6. Speaking of grooming, I don’t do that regular hair cut thing because I’d rather buy bagels and mascaras than spend £60 every six weeks.
  7. Open tins properly. I just stab until the beans/peaches/Smart Price vegetable curry kind of leaks out.
  8. Understand people who love Family Guy. I know this is like admitting some sort of heinous crime but I don’t get that show at all.
  9. Sit still. I’ve already sent three texts, downloaded Lemonade and applied a hair mask whilst writing this sentence.
  10. Throw stuff away. I’m getting there but then I remember I’ve put my denim shirt in the bag for charity and get it back out and weep with both sadness for said shirt that it had to endure being in a bin liner in the cupboard for three weeks and for the fact I am a horrible person who basically takes away from charity.
  11. Cross a dog without thinking it’s my best friend and wants to be spoken to like a baby.
  12. Go a day without crying at something posted in Cool Dog Group on Facebook.
  13. Speaking of Facebook, I can’t stop using it. I know it’s cool not to but I like uploading a picture of my peri-peri chips in Nandos every week.
  14. I can’t fully, 100% make my mind up about whether I really do want children or not. The boyfriend doesn’t want any more, I am happy to go with this. But is anyone ever 100% sure?
  15. Put the loo roll back on the dispenser. I mean, I’m sure I could but I’m one of those annoying people who doesn’t and for this I apologise to everyone who has ever lived with me.
  16. Watch horror movies. Or anything beyond a Disney movie or Mean Girls, to be honest.
  17. Walk in heels. I don’t care if flatforms and Birkenstocks are ugly, I have flat ass feet and you’re going to have to deal with it.
  18. I can’t even…
  19. I can’t leave Boots/Superdrug/Space NK without an arm full of swatches. But that’s probably no surprise.
  20. I can’t ride a bike. I think. I haven’t tried in years and the thought of riding a bike in London terrifies me.
  21. Speaking of London, I can’t really work out the Northern Line. Luckily, I hardly ever have to use it.
  22. Sing. I know I can’t and yet it doesn’t stop me.
  23. Dance. See above.
  24. Twerk. Are you getting the picture?
  25. I can’t tell the difference between Mary Kate and Ashley. I just know one is married to a much older man thus we are basically soul mates.
  26. Go a day without calling my mum. Several times. Most of the time just to sing to her or tell her about how the new lipstick I’m wearing is basically a life changer.
  27. Finally, I can’t drive. Never taken a lesson. Got too excited when I sat behind the wheel of my boyfriend’s car and pressed the horn so much we nearly got kicked out the car park.

So there you have it. This isn’t a negative list or to point out all my flaws, just a list of all that silly stuff that makes up the nuances of adulthood but that absolutely doesn’t matter.

PS/ Seriously, the blowing my nose thing freaks me the fuck out.

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