Borderline Personality Disorder

Dating And Borderline Personality Disorder And Why I’m Fucking Terrified

At the time of writing, I’m very happily single and enjoying the perks it comes with; unlimited time wasting swiping through Tinder, seeing my friends a lot, only shaving my legs and armpits because society tells me so and not because my significant other would be repulsed by my knee fluff.

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But what happens when I’m not happily single and I’m ready to put myself out there? What happens if, like last time, I meet someone by chance and they happen to be really rather wonderful? Life with Borderline Personality Disorder is messy; it allows no time for fantasing about Prince Charming, more considering the realities of approaching my illness with Dan who works in Accounting once we’re two pints in on our Third Date.

One of the four key aspects of Borderline Personality Disorder- and the one which has blighted my life the most, I reckon- is unstable relationships. Here’s what the NHS has to say:

“If you have BPD, you may feel that other people abandon you when you most need them, or that they get too close and smother you.

When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. You may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:

constantly texting or phoning a person

suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night

physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go

making threats to harm or kill yourself if that person ever leaves you

Alternatively, you may feel others are smothering, controlling or crowding you, which also provokes intense fear and anger. You may then respond by acting in ways to make people go away, such as emotionally withdrawing, rejecting them or using verbal abuse.

These two patterns may result in an unstable “love-hate” relationship with certain people.

Many people with BPD seem to be stuck with a very rigid “black-white” view of relationships. Either a relationship is perfect and that person is wonderful, or the relationship is doomed and that person is terrible. People with BPD seem unable or unwilling to accept any sort of “grey area” in their personal life and relationships.

For many people with BPD, emotional relationships (including relationships with professional carers) involve “go away/please don’t go” states of mind, which is confusing for them and their partners. Sadly, this can often lead to break-ups.”

So you’d forgive me for thinking the odds are stacked against me already, right?

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But despite everything, I’ve never once considered not being in a relationship in future or shunning the prospect of romantic relations because Borderline Personality Disorder means it’s likely to be a bumpy ride. Perhaps that’s selfish but we live in a world where up to one in three of us will experience a mental health problem in our lifetime and, of course, any man who wanted to be with me would have to love me for exactly who I am.

You have to admit, though, there are going to be a lot of people scared off. To be with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder requires a degree of patience in both the short-term and the long-term. My last relationship lasted six months and, during that time, he saw me both at my best and my worst and was utterly graceful during my worst moments. My long-term relationship lasted nine years and I’m still wracked with guilt over the things I said and did because my disorder wasn’t being treated nor under control… and yet he loved me- and still loves me as his friend- for who I am despite that. But was that a fluke? Did I hit lucky with two kind men? Or am I being cynical?

What happens when the person I date finds my blog? I make no secret of discussing Borderline Personality Disorder on the Internet and that it a core part of who I am. I’m slowly opening up online having taken years to talk about BPD and opting to talk about the more ‘accepted’ issues of depression and anxiety. The truth is, I’m scared and I feel no shame in saying that I often worry about my romantic future and where it’ll take me. I’m young- a few weeks off 28 at the time of writing this- and have no intention of settling down yet but I’d love to be a wife and a mother in the future and I fear history will repeat itself, that the worst parts of my disorder will come out and my love life doomed for all eternity as a result.

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Part of the reason I set up The Navigation was to talk about my fears and insecurities – there’s no point being transparent online if you’re going to keep some parts locked up. Whether you have a mental health issue or not, I hope you can relate to some degree and keep me company on his muddle of a 20-something life. Sadly, I have no magical answer and very little advice when it comes to dating someone with BPD or being in a relationship if you have it but I’m learning by experience and that’ll have to do for now.

PS/ If Idris Elba has suddenly become single and fancies dating me then I’m sure I could make the time. Thanks.

 

 

Confessions of a Shopaholic

How Shopping Can Be A Sign Of Borderline Personality Disorder

Do you know that person who is always getting the round in despite their £950-a-month box room in Zone 3 and 25k salary? Maybe they go through periods of getting ASOS delivery after ASOS delivery to the office? Or perhaps they’re always up for going for dinner at the fancy place, choosing to whack it on their credit card. For many, especially those with Borderline Personality Disorder and bi-polar, excessive spending and shopping is a sign of a mental health problem.

Prone to risky behaviours, those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder are more likely to drive our car too fast, drink too much and generally act impulsively. Of course, this doesn’t mean people with BPD are always erratic- on a personal level I maintain a job I love, a freelance client, friendships and the general day-to-day grind of London living, all without a problem. But for me, one of the major signs that I need to take some time out is when I’m prone to shopping… a lot.

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Subjective as it is, I know if I’m dropping £30 on a cushion foundation I already own a dupe of and £50 on basic tees from Primark several times per week then there’s something in my brain which has caused me to overcompensate.

A full on self-confessed beauty addict, the odd nail polish or liquid lipstick during my lunch hour is nothing but when there’s nine unworn shades of peach blush piling up in my collection that have all been bought in the last two weeks then it’s time for me to check myself (before I quite literally wreck myself)

Borderline Personality Disorder and Impulsivity

Impulsivity is a huge part of Borderline Personality Disorder- those acts which seem wild and fun to friends and especially to yourself often go deeper. That excuse of “It’s only £50 here and there” or “I deserve it because I’m tired/stressed/happy/sad” creeps out from under the wood work and the paper shopping bags make me unhappy once I see them stuffed in a corner of my room or in my lounge.

With Borderline Personality Disorder, it’s important we try to look within and wonder what is going on- why are we eating too much or too little? Why are we chain smoking? Why are we acting with such impulse? For me, it comes down to stress a lot of the time. If I’m feeling stressed, I’m not thinking about my long-term financial goals and I genuinely start to believe that a new striped top/pair of silver Birkenstocks/avocado phone cover will suddenly change my life, transform me into a slim and chic girl boss and help me meet the love of my life. In truth, it’s only working on myself that can do those things.

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Luckily I’ve never got into debt through shopping and I’ve planned a solo trip to Thailand for two weeks in November to help focus my financial mind. Until then, it’s a case of updating my shopping inspiration blog posts, pinning away my dream wardrobe on Pinterest and shopping my (ever decreasing) beauty stash.


This is a personal experience of Borderline Personality Disorder, I am not a medical professional. For advice, please seek help from your GP or visit Mind.

Stuff I Don’t Need But Very Much Want #1

I like things. I am a woman in her late-20s with a disposable income, no boyfriend to spend £300 on at at Christmas/Valentine’s Day/23 week anniversary. I go out- sometimes out out- and I like to look nice.

On the flip side, I have student debt that shockingly doesn’t go away if you ignore it. I also live in one of the most expensive cities in the world and am prone to a £4.50 M&S ready meal three times per week. Ultimately, I need to curb my spending if I want to even consider buying a house/getting married living to the ripe old age of 35.

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So this series is all about a bit of window shopping; dangling the ASOS carrot in front of my eyes and feeling like a success when I wait three weeks to buy it after getting a free delivery code.

I know I have too many clothes in my wardrobe, I know I have shoes coming out of my ears (not literally) and I know I don’t need another mint green nail polish but why do companies have to make things that are so darn pretty?

Here’s what I’m lusting after this week…

Fashion wish list

Trousers, £35, ASOS Curve

Ankle boots I could never walk in, £45, ASOS

GRL PWR iron on patch, £6, Etsy

Liquid lipstick I already own in 39 near identical shades, £4.99, Barry M


Do I have terrible taste? Absolutely. Will I not buy this stuff and feel like I’ve saved around £100 and reward myself with a new dress? You betcha!

5 Misconceptions About Borderline Personality Disorder

My name is Hollie and I’ve had Borderline Personality Disorder for the last 11 years. You’d never notice; I’m the woman on the tube flicking through her Filofax, the person in the queue at Sainsbury’s and even the woman standing in front of a couple of hundred students giving a lecture.

Even on my bad days when I’m talking too quickly, flirting with the Starbucks barista or buzzing with energy and unable to sit still, you’d never be able to guess I live with a disorder that kills one in ten of us via suicide.

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For those who know about Borderline Personality Disorder, they’ll think they know about my personality – manipulative, needy, on edge.

And for those who don’t, the term ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ brings ideas of schizophrenia multiple personalities, psychotic tendencies and no sense of self; it’s because of this I’m penning a piece about the ultimate misconceptions of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder only affects women

False. Whilst stats do show more women are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder than men, there are several factors which contribute to this including genetic makeup and the fact women are more likely to see their doctor regarding mental health issues.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder are needy as fuck

False. Those with BPD are highly passionate and emotional. Despite the fact that many of us appear outwardly confidence, we struggle with a sense of self. As a result, our emotional needs can often take over when we’re not feeling confident and we may just need our close friends and family to be there for us.

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Like anyone, when confidence is low then we’re going to need to surround ourselves with love and reassurance. We will need someone to tell us we’re good people/talented/kind/sexy/all of the above. But it doesn’t mean we’re clinging onto your arm as you leave the door every single day. It doesn’t mean we’re calling you 40 times per day. And it certainly doesn’t mean we can’t spend time alone.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder were abused as children

False. Whilst this may be the case in some cases- and it has been proven that emotional distress in childhood can lead to BPD- you absolutely cannot presume. On a personal level, I was hugely impacted by my parents divorce in my early teens but I cannot certify this caused me to suffer from BPD. Presuming people with Borderline Personality Disorder have been sexually abused takes away from what they are, everything they have been and everything they will be. Even if a person has been abused as a child, never presume the reason they are the way they are- their mental health, their behaviour, is down to anything from their past.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder can never be cured

Absolutely false. On a personal level, I’m undergoing amazing treatment which consists of long term therapy sessions and I’m taking medication. I can’t say nor imagine I’ll ever live my life without BPD but there’s absolutely no reason people cannot be cured.

You can never be in a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Relationships- romantic, professional, platonic – are the things most likely to be effected by Borderline Personality Disorder meaning that for some, forming and keeping stable relationships of any kind can be very hard work… but never impossible. Thousands upon thousands of people with BPD are in healthy, long-term relationships. The key is understanding- if you’re dating someone with BPD, allow them to be open and honest about their condition and their feelings and respect the fact they cannot always control the way their brain works.

I was in a wonderful relationship for nine years which ended for non-BPD reasons; whilst it could get rocky at times, we had the most beautiful love and for that I’m forever thankful.

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At the time of writing, I’m very happily single but when it comes to the lucky man I end up with in future, I’ll be open about who I am, how my condition can be difficult but also that BPD is not me, just part of me and the kind, funny, lipstick-obsessive woman who stands before him isn’t a bad egg at all.

Loving someone with BPD is hard but it’s a lot harder for the person living with it daily.


Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder? Or know someone who does? Let me know what you think the biggest misconceptions are- the more we talk about it, the more we fight the stigma.

7 Compelling Carrie Fisher Quotes About Mental Health That We All Need To Hear

There’s nothing “good” to come out of celebrity deaths but over the festive period we’ve seen George Michael, Carrie Fisher and her mother Debbie Reynolds pass away. In the hours and days after their deaths, we’ve had an influx of stories regarding their charitable acts and how their fought their personal battles with pride. No other person has battled mental illness and fought so strongly than Carrie Fisher.

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I was not a Star Wars fan but I was a fan of anyone who spoke the truth about the painful, deliberating, torturous and often funny side of living with mental illness. As well as prolific substance abuse, Carrie lived with bipolar and kicked it well and truly in the balls.

Here are 7 quotes by the late actress which will continue to inspire me:

“Without medication I would not be able to function in this world. Medication has made me a good mother, a good friend, a good daughter.”

If we’re breaking the stigma around mental health, we also need to break the fear around medication. Medication personally saved my life and I’d be nothing without it. But there’s still such a barrier around it. People struggle with the concept of taking something which will have an effect on their mind but it’s literally no different to taking a pill for low iron levels or a hormone issue. Carrie understood that.

“I have a chemical imbalance that, in its most extreme state, will lead me to a mental hospital.”

Following on from the comment regarding medication, Carrie’s acceptance that- in its most blunt form- mental health is a chemical imbalance is something we all sometimes need to hear. When mental health problems blight your life, it’s easy to blame yourself or those around you for your problems but it often helps to remind yourself it’s not your fault and just the way your brain is wired.

“I’m very sane about how crazy I am.”

This makes me laugh every single time.

“We treat beauty like an accomplishment, and that is insane. Everyone in L.A. says, ‘Oh, you look good,’ and you listen for them to say you’ve lost weight. It’s never ‘How are you?’ or ‘You seem happy!'”
This quote is from a recent interview with Good Housekeeping magazine and is absolutely true, both inside and outside LA. In our digital world, we’re complimented on the image and not the inside. It’s time to change that.

“The world of manic depression is a world of bad judgment calls.”

Sometimes, actually a lot of the time, mental illness is to blame for actions in your life. Understanding that can be hard- it’s taken me 14 years to do it- but it’s true. Some of the things I’ve done in life, the mistakes I’ve made, have been down to my illness and I’d never have done them otherwise. Manic depression is a bastard but the important thing is to make things right and as positive as possible when you’re feeling well and stable.

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“The only lesson for me, or anybody, is that you have to get help. It’s not a neat illness. It doesn’t go away.”
Anyone with mental health problems will get that confidence when things have been clear for a while. You’ve been feeling stable for a little longer than usual, you’re sleeping well and feeling more confidence. You think “At last! My mental illness is cured!” and then soon it comes crashing down again. Truth is, those of us who suffer from mental health problems have to accept they’ll never go away and even if we go years without any bad experiences, it’s important to acknowledge and seek help when it rears its ugly head.
“I am mentally ill. I can say that. I am not ashamed of that. I survived that, I’m still surviving it, but bring it on. Better me than you”
FUCK YES! To me, this quote is everything. I want more people to be able to speak about their mental health problems this way. Tackling your own mind on a daily basis requires huge balls and we need to face the fight head on. Let’s honour Carrie’s memory and carry on surviving with determination, courage and tenacity.
Rest in peace, Carrie. You were a one-off.

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This Tweet From A Reader Shows How Important Journalism For Teens Really Is

Stats, social media scheduling, strategy planning and editorial calendar-ing, just several things I was juggling on a super stressful work day just before we finished for Christmas when I got the tweet that I’d basically been waiting for my entire life.

Despite the pinch-me parts of my job, it’s so easy to get wrapped up in a bubble and suddenly posh parries, interviewing The Vamps and producing work which is read by over a million people per month just becomes part of the every day. Clearly I appreciate and value my job but when I’m walking round Sainsburys toying between types of pesto or shaving my legs in a hurry before a date, I don’t really consider how lucky I am.

So when I got a tweet from a young fan of the site one manic, stressful Wednesday evening, I cried at my desk because I could have easily written that tweet to Jo Elvin of Glamour or an abundance of journalists at the likes of More, Vogue, Sugar or Mizz when I was young… Or snail mail, as it would have been at the time.

The young female, who I’ve since found out is 14 from Hungary, tweeted me this:

Followed by:

And OMG it was the most relatable thing ever!

When I was as young as eight and started reading pre-teen magazines, I knew I wanted to be a writer. Despite not really understanding what a journalist was, I knew that’s what I wanted to be. When I got to 13, I’d read Sugar and More and giggle at Position Of The Fortnight pages because I thought sex was gross and people surely weren’t that bendy (wrong on the first, 100% right on the second)

Magazines, and later blogs, became my escape in my early teens and beyond from mental health problems and my mother taught me the value of some serious self care time with an hour-long bubble bath with only a brand new magazine for company. When I couldn’t escape my own mind, magazines helped.

Whether it was losing myself in a beautiful Tim Burton for Vogue fashion editorial and later making collages from the pages or reading sex confessions which I totally believed were sent in from real people (secret: some actually are but some aren’t), nothing gave me more pleasure.

When I studied media at college and later Fashion  Communication at Uni, I defended print publications and shouted the sheer joy of paper magazines to anyone who would and would not listen. Despite working for a digital publication now, my ethos is still the same- there’s nothing better than finding a title that just works for you.

It’s so easy to lose the real value of the readership when the number goes past hundreds of thousands because you just can’t grasp the number in terms of real people in a room or a stadium. But comments like the one above remind me why I’m a journalist, especially a journalist specialising in teens and young people- because they need it the most.

My friend Lucy recently spoke so passionately about this when she uploaded a video discussing how she’d lost her job when teen site Sugarscape closed recently.

Teens relied on that site- whether it was for the latest 1D news or how to do the latest nail art trend at home. All of that might sound like fluffy filler to you but teens face so much shit these days that if they can find any sort of escapism, comfort and happiness in a piece of journalism then that’s amazing.

Political uncertainty, the pressure of social media, rising mental health problems and the “normal” stuff teens go through like puberty, hormones, relationships and exam stress… As a 27 year old woman who has been through her share of shit and come out stronger, I know how important having a place of light is.

When I got that tweet it reminded me of the human aspect of digital journalism. It also reminded me of my teen self who had big dreams but felt like she had no hope of escaping her tiny village or her own mind. I was that teen once who idolised so many journalists and editors and they were the inspiration I needed to achieve my own dreams. If I can be that for one person, my career is worth every late night, every long meeting and every stress over Facebook’s bloody algorithm…

Thank you, F,  you have no idea what your tweets meant to me.

13 Bridget Jones Gifs To Send To Your Parents When They Ask How Everything Is Going

With the impending release of Bridget Jones’ Baby and the reality that I’m nearing Bridget’s age (from the first film), I’ve come to realise that we’re not too dissimilar. We’re both craving Mr Darcy, our mother’s are both fond of a mini gherkin and our arses are bigger than Donald Trump’s wig collection.

But it’s fine because Bridget turned out fine, right? Well, almost.

As I write this I’m currently sat in my mum’s garden having a few days break from London and facing all the inevitable life questions about dating and men and where was I when I said I’d call last Tuesday (in the pub, kissing a man named Keith- sorry mum). Whilst I don’t resent their questions- it’s caring about me, I’m reassured – I have made a decision to only reply to them in Bridget Jones gifs. Because That’s The Mature Adult I Am.

“Hello Sweetie, how the devil are you?”

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“And how’s work going?”

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“But it’s enough to pay your rent, right? You are keeping on top of that, aren’t you,  love?”

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“That man… Simon, was it? How’s it going with him?”

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“Timber. There’s always that Timber app these days.”

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“Love will strike when you least expect it.”

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“How about Susan’s son? I hear he lives in that London, too. Probably just round the corner from you”

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“What *exactly* are you looking for?”

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“Pizza? For breakfast?!”

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“Why don’t you come with me to my pilates class in the church hall?”

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“It’ll make you feel revitalised and at one with your body”

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“Well, what else do you have planned for the afternoon?”

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“No matter what, you know at least I’ll love you just how you are”

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Thanks, mum.

What To Expect From A Psychology Assessment

Part of the reason I haven’t been blogging so much lately is because I’ve been going through a tiny manic high and trying to curb it, part of which has involved a couple of trips to an assessment clinic- both psychiatric and psychological.

I first off want to point out that my current mental state is 99% level with a 1% increase in mania, or there abouts. I noticed the mania creeping in after some life changes and it got to the point where I realised I needed some help. Incidentally, I’d been referred to both a psychiatrist and a psychologist for problems around anxiety and the appointments seem to arrive right on time.

Recently I sat in my doctor’s office listening to him tell me how hard the psychology assessment would be- harder than the psychiatric assessment (mainly because I certainly don’t need psychiatric care right now). I realised as I cried and panicked and feared the appointment that I’ve been through a fair few of these assessments in my 15 years with mental health services but didn’t really have a reference point for it; there wasn’t a friendly Cosmopolitan article telling me the ins and out. So I figured I’d bloody well write it.

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A little disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist myself, just someone with experience of the British NHS mental health services. Whilst my care throughout the years certainly hasn’t been consistent, the method behind the psychological tests has. I’m writing from experience.

 

How Should You Prepare?

 Whether it’s your first or your 50th, it’s fair to say a psychological assessment isn’t a walk in the park and we’d all much rather be on the sofa eating Pringles than having our every word analysed. Over the years I’ve always been quite anxious about my appointments but always known it’s important to stay calm. The time you have with your psychologist is the ultimate “me” time- they’re quite literally there to talk about you and find out about you. Because the topics you’ll cover can be upsetting, I tend to make sure I have a few hours before and after the appointment free to myself just to indulge in my thoughts and allow myself to take in the experience.

If you’re stressed beforehand, take some time to listen to some calming or upbeat music. If you can walk at least part of the way to your appointment then do, fresh air always makes things less scary.

Arrive early- I always aim to get to my appointment venue 20 minutes early in case I get lost (very likely) or want to grab a coffee (also very likely)

Afterwards I tend to head straight home rather than work, although this isn’t always possible. I treat myself to a huge bath but you may prefer to head out with friends, go shopping or hit the gym. Whatever you do to reward yourself, do that. Self care after your psychological assessment is vital as you’ll end up talking about topics very close to you.

 

Do You Have To Take Anyone?

Not unless they ask you to, no. Personally, I much prefer to go to my appointments alone but if you feel more comfortable taking a friend or family member then don’t hesitate- you don’t have to tell them a word about what went on during the time you were with the doctor or nurse but sometimes seeing a friendly face afterwards is a huge comfort.

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What Will They Ask Me?

 Honestly? A lot. The assessment process is there to find out what the best course of treatment is for you. In most of my sessions there have been two doctors present; this allows for two opinions on your care and two sets of eyes and ears. Every single time when I’ve had two doctors, it’s been a male and female.

One thought I always have is “What if they think I’m so insane they lock me up there and then?” or “What if they think I’m not ill enough to be here?” If that were the case for either scenario, you wouldn’t be in that room receiving that type of treatment.

The doctors want to get an overview of you- your life, your experiences, how you’re currently feeling- but in my experience are never blunt. These sessions belong to you, if you want to talk in depth about something then it’s fine but if you don’t feel comfortable then you’re more than welcome to ask the doctor to move on.

Here are some key areas a doctor will likely focus on:

  • How you’re currently feeling: are you anxious? Are you feeling depressed?
  • Life events lately: work, relationships, family.
  • Romantic relationships
  • Your sleep pattern: how are you sleeping? How many hours? Nightmares?
  • Any medication you’re on
  • Your support system: do you have one? Does anyone know what you’re going through? Do you have anyone to talk to?

I won’t lie and say it’s a walk in the park but I will say the session gets easier as you become more relaxed in your surroundings. Personally, I always notice my body language suddenly change about 20 minutes in the session and I’ll unfold my arms and ease into the chair.

 

What happens next?

After your initial assessment, you’ll likely book another appointment for the near future. A second appointment will likely be further questions that the doctors want to expand on from the first assessment.

In my most recent assessment, my doctors gave me a fairly long form to fill in which explores everything from who I live with to early memories; this form allows you to take time to calmly answer questions which will determine the best outcome of your care and will mean the doctor can focus on your treatment as soon as possible.

 

This account is a personal one. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m certainly not a doctor but I have been through this system several times over; I’m writing this in the hope it’ll answer at least one person’s questions and calm at least one person’s nerves.

 

If you think you need to seek mental health help, please see your doctor. You are not alone in this.

31 Silly Thoughts I’ve Had Before Seeing My Psychiatrist

At the time of writing, it’s around 16 hours until I meet my new psychiatrist, or “sleep specialist” as I’ve refereed to him of late. After months of torturous nightmares, I’m finally off to see a doctor who may be able to unpick my inner workings and magically make the horrific nightmares about death, rape and terrorism go away.

Whilst I’m normally fine with labels around mental health, I don’t feel like someone who needs psychiatric help (I’ve been there, I know what constitutes as needing it) but then I have to remind myself that it’s less about a doctor’s job title and more about banishing the one thing which is blighting my pretty decent life.

Anyway, besides the fact that I’ve been stressing over my doctor’s job title, I’ve had rather a lot of thoughts about tomorrow’s meeting and I wanted to share them. Why? To help normalise mental health but also to make you lot laugh because I realise just how silly most of these thoughts really are…

  1. “What do I wear? I want him to think I’m professional but not so put together that I don’t look like I need his help”
  2. “What if he’s hot and I fancy him?”
  3. “Do I want him to fancy me?”
  4. “Wait, there’s no such thing as looking like someone struggling with their mental health. Shut up, Hollie”
  5. “Will he think I’m an idiot?”
  6. “Will he have a pen and paper and be writing down everything as I spurt out my childhood history and the time I got lost in Asda and cried?”
  7. “That Asda memory is sad… Pass me a tissue”
  8. “What if I cry?”
  9. “Note to self: wear waterproof mascara tomorrow”
  10. “What if it doesn’t help?”
  11. “What if it does and everything changes for the better?”
  12. “Most likely somewhere in the middle”
  13. “What if he judges me?”
  14. “Isn’t it against doctors’ oath to judge?”
  15. “This is all soooo tiring… literally”
  16. “What if I fall into a black hole before my appointment arrives and I spend eternity having nightmares?!”
  17. “Surely it’s going to be OK”
  18. “Can use it as an excuse to treat myself to a new lipstick… ‘Well done, you survived seeing your new psychiatrist'”
  19. “I should blog this experience”
  20. “Or should I?”
  21. “What if he smells?”
  22. “What if he thinks I smell?”
  23. “Wear perfume to appointment”
  24. “I’m not ready for the floodgates to open… Maybe I can make this more about the nightmares and less about my anxiety.”
  25. “What if my nightmares have nothing to do with my anxiety and everything to do with cheese or garlic or some other food stuff I won’t be allowed to eat ever again?”
  26. “I bet he asks me if I eat cheese before bed. I don’t. HA!”
  27. “Seriously, should I do skinny jeans or smart dress?”
  28. “What MAC lipstick says ‘Professional 20something struggling with anxiety but also doing well but O.M.G the nightmares’?”
  29. “This is all so scary”
  30. “I want a hug”
  31. “It’s all going to be OK”

So many people in the world get zero help with their mental health issues so as much as I’m scared and nervous and my mind is going into overdrive, I’m so thankful that I’m in a place in the world which allows me to seek mental health treatment so openly and for free.

If anyone else has had any of the silly, frivolous thoughts I have then do let me know- and I’ll report back on what I ended up wearing!

Mermaid Hair

Mermaid Hair: 5 Of The Best Instagram Accounts To Follow

Once upon a time I had neon pink hair. And I loved it. A sharp contradiction to my now auburn locks, the neon pink literally glowed as I walked down the High Street and make me look both incredible and like a five foot ten giant highlighter. I kept the colour for around two months, eventually growing tired of the upkeep and resorting back to my kind-of-ginger-kind-of-brown look that has stayed with me for the last six years or so.

However, I always crave mermaid hair. I want green and blues hues. I want to go grey. I want to be lilac and turquoise and platinum all in one… And yet I know I’d get bored, complain about the cost or end up having an at-home disaster and going bald.

So to cure my cravings and give me some inspiration for a potential “yolo” moment in the future (I just said “yolo” in 2016- someone shoot me) I’ve taken to following loads of coloured hair Instagram accounts and living through them.

Below I’ve listed five of my favourites but I’ve been known to spend hours scrolling through the #DyedGirls hashtag on Instagram and liking literally everything. If you’ve got a favourite account that’ll give me ultimate hair goals, let me know in the comments below.

@BabeHairspo

💚

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@CharlotteJonsie

 

@TheHairChronicles_

 

@DyedGirls

@trishabickhart

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@MultiColorHair

Yay or Nay??😍 @caitlinfordhair

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Most of these accounts are accumulations of the best hair on the net, which is fine by me and provide me hours of scrolling pleasure. BRB, I feel a trip to Boots coming on!

PS/ Don’t forget to follow The Navigation on Instagram.

Asset image by InTheFrow.